Jappus

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The inventive crackpot speculator.

Jappus is a most elusive figure in the Boardieverse and, well some Boardies like to exchange "elusive" with "insane" though. Not that it would change much... He is about 1.70 metres tall, usually wears a white labcoat and glasses which he doesn´t need but likes to wear anyway, for what reasons ever. [1] If you want to meet him, you usually only have to go to the Speculation Array. He´s usually there always trying to get a few more informations out of the system by rewiring the consoles to integrate anything that isn´t nailed shut into the system. He even rewired the coffee-machine so that you can now calculate the exact caffeine concentration in each Boardie's bloodstream with a mere hundred simple instructions on your POST.

As you might see, his hobby is speculating the hell out of his surrounding universe and he´s damn good at it, if you ignore the fact that his analyses usually include such strange values like the average growth of the subjects favorite panda´s grapefruit-type to predict what coffee the subject drank yestermorning.

Naturally, he doesn´t do this all the time, he´s also the Board´s official psychiatrist, since, well, Boardies are usually insane to begin with so that it doesn't really matter if the psychiatrist is even more insane than the average patient. In any case, he´s there to deal with your mental problems usually by getting you a nice, warm and nicely colored padded cell in his private Minimum High Security Prison... errr ... "Mental Recuperation Hotel". His favorite "customer" is HK who actually spend more time continuously escaping the institution than actually residing in it, as one would normally expect. The fact that Jappus only employs guards who failed the FLEET-IQ-Test, which can be aced by a carrot in no time, is probably the main factor behind that little quirk.


Like most Boardie, he also likes weapons but usually prefers a more intricate way to get rid of certain destabilizing factors, as he likes to call them. For example, he always plots to destroy Tokio, for reasons that are plain to see if you ever watched an episode of Pokémon. [2] Naturally, the fact that Tokio still exists proves that he is not exactly successful...


Summed up, if you want to get an in-detail knowledge of your enemy (including his dietary plan, favorite soft drink and the associated informations about the Peruanian government) you usually call him or the other Speccers. If you see him acting in the field of operations [3], then you can be quite sure that he either exhausted his vast Earl Grey ressources (improbable due to them taking up a whole decommisioned shuttle-bay) or that something big, although not necccessarily all that important to a halfway sane person, is bound to happen. In the latter case you should hurry up to make sure that it doesn´t happen to you...


[1] Evidence 1
Evidence 2
Evidence 3
Evidence 4
Evidence 5

[2] Evidence 6

[3] According to Jappus that is just about everywhere except Speculation Alpha through Pi.

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